For background, I am a twenty-something queer cis man. I have had over a year of therapy, and read countless self-help (or adjacent) books. Nothing has affected me to the degree that this book has. I am writing this review in 2020, after reading the book several months ago, and coming back to it during various kinds of life struggles. The wisdom in this book still holds true!
Despite the fact that this book is targeted for women, and has some dated language (it was written in early 2000s), I found so many parts that I not only related to, but I was immediately able to apply to my life to *dramatically* decrease anxiety and find authenticity in my life. I would argue that parts of the book, I specifically related to as a man, and as a queer person. (That being said, if you are not a straight woman, you will probably be doing some “translating” to apply the wisdom of this book to yourself - but it is still so worth it!)
I highly recommend reading this book from front to back - it's not like other books where you can just jump to the parts that seem to apply to you. The first part really sets up a solid foundation that will be used in the rest of the book. Part 2 goes through 5 steps of reconnecting to your inner self: knowing, sensing, feeling, wanting, and your Larger (e.g. spiritual) self. The remainder is about relationships (I found this section the most dated, and personally skipped most of it, but the other parts were still well worth reading).
Dr. Brenner frankly and compassionately explains how we can so easily stray from knowing ourselves, listening to our senses, sitting with our feelings, finding our wants, and our spirituality. If this all sounds hokey to you (honestly it did to me a bit at first), I implore you to suspend any disbelief and give the book a shot. I’ve never read a book so densely (but not in a bad way) packed with wisdom that, after reading it, made so much sense.
It never occurred to me how having your thoughts, opinions, and beliefs dismissed growing up can have such an effect on your ability to know yourself as an adult - this is something I strongly relate to, both as a man who didn’t fit the expectations of masculinity set by my family, and as a queer person (queer people are constantly told by family, friends, and society at large that their feelings are not valid). Dr. Brenner provides an explanation and exercises for your to overcome these outside voices you grew up with, and learn to know your authentic self.
I also learned that my approach to feelings has been poor almost all my life. (And, frankly, I would not be surprised if many other men would to discover this as well - men, at least in the US, are so often taught not to feel their feelings, and now I know firsthand how damaging that can be.)
Feelings are there to be listened to, acknowledged, and shown compassion. They can be listened to and learned from without them becoming you. Through Dr. Brenner’s instruction, I have been able to process feelings through a method called Focusing, and, through this exercise, I found that I had been blocking myself from grieving a childhood trauma. Unbeknownst to me, I was repressing this intense grief for nearly a decade, and that was using so much of my emotional energy and space. After I was able to properly acknowledge this grief, I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that 60-80% of my day to day anxiety evaporated (literally the next day!). I thought for a long time that I had an anxiety problem, but through this book I learned that I had a problem processing feelings, and this can lead to a lot of anxiety.
I come back to this book often, when I am having a crisis. Most of the time, I can identify my struggle with one of the five core elements of connecting with yourself: knowing, sensing, feeling, wanting, and your Larger Self. I seriously cannot recommend this book enough. I already bought copies for all my family members.
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Top reviews from other countries
Littleouse
Brilliant book for women
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 1, 2023
Hilary Knowles
A beautifully written book that every woman should read.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 28, 2014SarahHappyChick
So Good I Bought a Copy for my Friend!
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 20, 2021